WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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