Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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