i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
