I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
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