i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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