Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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