I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize