fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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