My nipple is on Facebook.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
