We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
