It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
