Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
