i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
