Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
