Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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