I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
