nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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