My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
