if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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