I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
