my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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