I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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