I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
