She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
