If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
