You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
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