Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Randomize