someone threw a dead crab at me
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
