Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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