just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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