theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
