Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Randomize
