did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Michael Bay diarrhea
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
