ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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