I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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