i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
