So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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