I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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