I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
