The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
