I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
