Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
