So drunk its hurt
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
