During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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