you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
