Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize