Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
