i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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