okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
