ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
