Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
