so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
