First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
