just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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