morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
love makes seman taste better
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Randomize