Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
