you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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