who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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