I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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