between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
