some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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