textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
