bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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