After last night, I could never be a politician.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
