i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
