Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
