Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
only you would photoshop your dick
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
